Run
I ran a lot this year.
I ran from my feelings. I ran from the fact that I might be jealous, I might be angry, I might care. I ran fast because I am afraid that it will affect everything. So, I keep the feelings. I keep the emotions. I keep it for me, myself and I.
I ran to chase other people’s timeline. I ran to get what they have. I ran because I want to have what they have too. Little did I know that everyone has their own timeline, everyone has their own time. I forgot that life comes in a full circle and everyone will get there eventually. This is maybe one of the hardest pills to swallow for me. But let’s have it, one step at a time.
I ran to chase my past. I realised there is a lot of unfinished business. There are still a lot of “I am sorry” I haven’t got or haven’t said. There are still some closures to get. There are still a lot of reasons to explain. But no matter how hard I ran, I never got the answer. Maybe some things are indeed better left unsaid with no closure.
I ran to my work all too often. I keep thinking “What am I without my work, because I do not have a wonderful degree, wealth lasts a lifetime (hello sandwich generations!), lover to run home to?” I worked way too hard this year until I realised all of these have no meaning if I do not prioritise myself.
I ran to drama — way too much drama. Some of them are very unnecessary and got me thinking “Seriously? In this age? In this era? At this exact time?”. Exhausting. Way too exhausting.
And the fact that I mostly feel lonely whenever I run chasing all the things above is definitely terrifying.
So, I decided to stop running and take a deep breath. I want to take a look at my surroundings. To see friends who stay despite the turbulence in each of our lives. To see my team, colleagues, my work growing and making a small impact each day. To see my family who is actually doing just fine even though we may not have much like other families. To see that I actually have time. I am actually doing just fine. I actually still can make those “unhappened” things in 2023 to happen in the next year.
I would love to stop running and take my step, one at a time for me, for my future, for all the good, nice, beautiful, heartwarming things I keep saying in my prayers.
Because I know I deserve all the best things this world could give.
Embun
29/12/2023
