Just Enough
If there is a thing that I learned the hard way during the last 4 years, it is to be just enough and not too much in everything, especially — first and foremost — when it comes to my feeling, my kindness, and the way I care for people. It is indeed a big challenge for one of my strongest traits: doing everything wholeheartedly, both in love and hate.
When I start to fall so hard towards people, I get hurt. It left me wondering whether I actually have the capabilities to fall again.
When I start to care, I get hurt again. It left me wondering where I went wrong? Am I raised in the wrong way? I am their person, just like they are my person, right?
It happens way too much. It always hurts, I never feel fine with this situation. It cuts everything deep. It is powerful enough to make me say to myself, “We can’t be like this anymore.”
So, I learn to do everything well enough.
Enough kind to reply to the text when they need me. Answer the question just fine, if they ask A, I will answer A. Not add B,C,D, like I used to.
Enough kind to care in a good way. If they give me A,B,C and D, I will give them the same.
Do enough until I am brave enough to let the relationship go — whatever it is: friendship, colleagues relation, romantic relation, you name it.
Know well enough to whom I give my full attention, care, kindness, concern and love.
I spend all my life caring for people. I forget to spend my life caring for myself.
I attach too much. I forgot to let loose sometimes, because when it is meant to be, it will be. They will always come back, if it is what it meant to be.
I am not someone with the biggest, kindest, carest heart, no. I am not an angel. I am just a girl, the ordinary one, who tries to manage her feelings.
Because I don’t get what I deserve.
Because I am tired of being the one who always does more, who always gives more.
I want to receive more too.
I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I am tired. I don’t have any capacity, space and/or time to deal with those feelings.
Just enough.
Just. enough.
Embun, 22/3/22
Soundtrack behind this writing:
